Don't compare

The title of this site is a reference to C.S. Lewis' book "A Grief Observed"  Lewis wrote in the face of his grief in the loss of his wife, Joy.  A great and thoughtful writer, Lewis reached and inspired so many.  I'm not nearly so lofty.  But I reach out to writing as a way to work through the loss of my father.

I wasn't prepared for the magnitude of how much my heart would hurt.  I was 50 and the grief has totally knocked me out....but not down.  I will spend some time reflecting on what Lewis wrote.  Beyond that, I'm just going to follow threads where they go.  Loss of someone significant is not linear.  There isn't much of a road map.  There is joy and sorrow.  A new appreciation for the meaning of the word bittersweet.  I plan to share as much as I can honestly.  To help me process my feelings as I try to work through them, to find a focus --  a purpose and to honor my father.

But what I've learned so far is how much I didn't know....and still don't know about loss.  Perhaps how flat my response has been to others who've experienced loss....no matter the size.  And that's another thing, I'm working to avoid be comparing....because it's not fair.  By comparing my grief to someone else's it diminishes genuine feelings of someone else.  Maybe it has a role in evaluating....however, I want to tread carefully.  Each person and their relationships and loss is unique and should be respected.

On this note, I found the introduction to my version of Lewis' "A Grief Observed" to strike a bit of a wrong tone.  Madeleine L'Engle - another great writer - talked about her loss of a spouse was greater than Lewis' loss of his spouse, because she had a longer relationship and therefore his observations weren't comparable.  I'm not sure how she fully intended her introduction and perhaps I read it wrong but I felt it was a bit dismissive  or suggestive that he couldn't feel as deeply.  The reality is we all feel things through our unique filter of experience and Lewis' grief would include elements that L'Engle's wouldn't and vice versa.  Both lost beloved partners.  

In the hierarchy of loss in our family, my deference goes to my mother -- her relationship of her partner shouldn't be compared to my loss of a father.  However, is it fair to compare the loss my siblings feel to the loss I feel?  I don't believe that's any more fair than asking which child a parent loves more....a parent loves each child equally although the relationships are unique based on personalities of the participants.  How is anyone's grief process helped by saying ones is greater.  Because my brother worked and talked daily with my dad....does that mean his loss tips the scales to him? 

Years later after the death of my cousin's son, I still shed occasional tears for his loss -- but I don't pretend to have experience as profound a loss as my cousin or the wife of her son....but I do still grieve.

So -- one of my big reminders and issues -- honor each person's loss and don't compare.  Just honor the contribution to your life of the one who has gone.