So....these are solely my thoughts based on having survived the ritual. And as tough a week as it is for those most closely related to the deceased, I can see a purpose to the grind that is our tradition of the funeral. That being said....I do have some simple rules that can make the process a little easier for the family.
At the visitation/wake or after the funeral....
-- if nothing else applies -- a simple -- "I'm sorry. NAME was a really good person."
1. Introduce yourself
2. Briefly explain your connection to the person who has died (if that's not known - obviously)
3. If you have a story to share about their loved one -- keep it brief and appropriate to the situation (anything off color should be saved for another time) -- Let me not overemphasize -- BRIEF. There are other people waiting to talk to the family and the family is overwhelmed.
4. Offer the family member water.
5. Did I mention briefly?
At my dad's visitation and funeral, as well as at my cousin's wife's funeral, there were many people who were paying their respects to the family and the lines got long...the funeral directors will usually try to tell the family to keep the line moving. They really can't say that to anyone else....but if you are there to pay your respects -- don't force the family member to be a traffic control person as well. Keep it Brief. If there is no one else in line....then obviously...you can have a nice chat....but if there are others waiting....be considerate and keep it short.
There are moments of laughter amongst the tears. That is really a nice gift. It's the sign of hope -- life will go on. There will be a new normal....but there will be a normal again.
Some funny moments -- my mom told one other older lady that she and my dad were joined at the hip. The other older lady, being a little hard of hearing....launched into her story about having her hip replaced.
As I was standing there greeting people at the visitation, I heard one gal tell another about my dad's children -- "well, there is Randy and Shelly and then the youngest is Angie" Since, I'm the youngest....and I'm not Angie.....I decided to speak up. "Actually, I'm the youngest and my name is Kristi" Apparently, still not understanding that their acquaintance Angie was not part of my family....I was asked if Angie and her husband were here....I just gave a shrug and nodded no. I'm wondering if Angie ever claimed to be part of our family or if it was just assumed. And by the way....the two gals never did tell me "sorry for your loss" or why they were there. I guess only Angie knows for sure. :)
At the funeral, there was a well-meaning gentleman....I think he talked to at least four of us....finally getting to my mom. This guy....I'm still not sure what he was trying to tell us. It truly had nothing to do with my dad...not even a little....and he just droned on and on. Don't be that guy.
Another -- don't be that guy.....example. There was another prominent member of our town who had gotten crosswise with our family. But he came to the funeral. He even came to the reception and ate food....but never spoke to a single member of the family. My feeling on this....it was nice of him to come to the service....but if you aren't going to speak to even one family member....just leave after the service....don't take advantage of their hospitality and not have the decency to express your condolences. Tacky....and a pretty good insight into this character and why my family is not a fan.
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