Listen....

It's amazing all the the little things you miss.  A smile, a look -- it's just empty.  I can't imagine missing someone more.  Intellectually, I know to loose Bill -- my partner or the unimaginable loss of a child....I can believe those losses would be even more overwhelming than the loss of my dad....but still.  I wish I would have listened more.  I wish I would have asked more....I miss his wisdom so much.  I miss his love and approval.   I think I spent a lot of time trying to prove I didn't need him, just so he could be proud of me.  Does that seem weird or backwards?  I needed him....because I didn't need him.  Ha.  Talk about a twist.  Maybe not.  I would think we as parents want our children to succeed on their own.  I know my dad wanted that for me.  And for the most part I think I did do okay....although I still feel like I flounder on an hourly basis.  But I may have paid a price of giving up too much by trying to prove I could do it myself.  Times that I could have gotten advice....times I should have asked and then been still until I could hear what he had to tell me.  Which....ironic as it might seem -- what would he tell me....Listen.